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" NOT AS TOUGH AS I THOUGHT "

I am tough, or so I thought! After all, I am a member of SWAT. But, I guess I am not as tough as I thought I was.

I have seen a lot of death and suffering in my seemingly short 6 1/2 years as a police officer. Not only the average run of the mill, routine simple death investigations, but, I am also a member of our Crash Investigation Team (CIT), therefore, I get to see twisted mangled bodies all of the time. I thought all the exposure I have had would somehow make me impervious to the effects of the scenes. But, I guess I was wrong!

Having responded to three hangings, in three weeks, and another attempt to kill oneself by Carbon Monoxide asphyxiation, I guess I'm not as tough as I thought! The first hanging, no big deal. The second, a lot tougher. I don't know why. Maybe because it was an 82 year old man......I mean, come on, why did he need to go and do that? As if death wasn't lurking around an unforeseen corner anyway? That night was very tough to sleep. Not only could I not get the face of the latest victim in my death parade out of my mind, but it brought back all the rest!

I don't really know what I am trying to say.....I guess that there is a lot of ugly in our world. But, it is the beautiful things that get us through. The smile from your child, the love and support from your wife and the understanding from your family and friends. One of our majors once told me at a fatal scene, "You know, once they quit bothering you, you've been in the business too long." At the time, I thought, "Man, I guess I should retire now......." But, looking back, I guess he was right. But, the odd thing to that statement, it seems that they don't bother you right away, that they build and build until your mind can only take so much, then you are officially bothered.

I guess the main reason I am writing this is to vent. To release some inner struggle. As sick as cops are, literally, I can not do this with those that I work with, as the all time greatest fear may arise, that they view me as weak. But, weak I am not.......I'm just not as tough as I thought I was.

-Anonymous